Kmart Miranda Now Officially Classified as Indoor Adventure Park for Shire Teens

Finn Seabrook | Local Correspondent | Sutherland Shire Gazette

13 August 2025

Shoppers at Kmart Miranda say the store has “entered a new era” after reports of local teens transforming the aisles into a full-scale recreational facility, complete with competitive suitcase racing, stealth missions through homewares, and what one witness described as “a highly choreographed chase sequence worthy of a Netflix teen drama.”

Spectators note the mayhem usually ignites when the weather turns grim or around 3:45pm on weekdays - precisely when parents are still comforted by the belief their children are “just grabbing a bubble tea.” 

Eyewitnesses recount flocks of teens requisitioning cushions to erect “fortified base camps” in the manchester section, while others rip through the toy aisle on skateboards like Tony Hawk Pro Skater. 

One employee, pleading anonymity for fear of TikTok repercussions, described the chaos as “Black Friday mashed with a Year 9 drama class on steroids.” 

Over the course of an afternoon, three laundry baskets doubled as go-karts, the candle aisle morphed into a scent maze, and at least one strand of fairy lights found new life as a makeshift scarf.

Cultural behaviourist Dr. Maxine Furley offers a dry take: “This isn’t mere adolescent anarchy; it’s a ritualistic assertion of identity and territorial negotiation wrapped in consumerist theatre. Think of it as a sophisticated social ballet performed in fluorescent lighting, where the prize is dominion over discounted throw pillows.” Ironically, the spectacle unfolds in a retail space designed to commodify calm - turning serenity into chaos, one glitter bomb at a time.

Attempts were made to contact store management, but sources claim they’re still negotiating with a runaway teen currently orbiting the checkout on a spinning office chair, steadfast in her refusal to dismount until she officially ‘wins Kmart.’