MIRANDA FAIR CONFIRMS NEW DECEMBER PARKING POLICY: Anyone Entering Between 3-5pm Must Commit to Staying Four to Seven Days Minimum.

Finn Seabrook | Local Correspondent | Sutherland Shire Gazette

13 December 2025

MIRANDA - In a landmark move widely praised for its honesty, Miranda Fair has confirmed that all shoppers entering the centre after 1pm in December must now commit to a mandatory “four-to-seven-day residency period” before being permitted to leave the premises.

A spokesperson said the new policy merely “formalises the lived experience” of anyone who has attempted to park, shop, or breathe anywhere on level 2 during peak season.

“Between the car park gridlock and the foot-traffic choke points, most customers are already with us long enough to accrue tenancy rights,” they said. “We’re simply aligning expectations.”

Under the new scheme, motorists will be issued hydration packs, emergency snacks, and a laminated car park survival card featuring key phrases such as “No, mate, I’m waiting for THIS spot” and “I’ve been here since Tuesday.”

Inside the centre, crowd-management measures have intensified. The newly implemented one-way foot-traffic loop now forces shoppers to circle Big W in a continuous orbit until they either locate their intended aisle or lose hope entirely. Those who attempt to turn back will be redirected to the escalator bottleneck near Kmart, where time reportedly stands still.

Witnesses describe scenes of quiet resignation.

“I entered for a Christmas ham,” said one Sylvania dad, now on day three. “I haven’t seen sunlight since Monday. My car is somewhere on level 4A… or 4B… they blur together after a while.”

Westfield has designated several “emotional decompression zones,” including the cookware aisle (for silent weeping), the outdoor furniture section (for contemplative staring), and the Myer lift (for group despair).

Authorities remind residents that anyone entering the car park after 1pm does so at their own risk and should pack water, portable chargers, and an advanced working knowledge of human patience.

“December at Miranda isn’t shopping,” said one traffic expert. “It’s an endurance sport.”