Soggy but Sacred - Shire Man Defends His Birthright. The Right to Receive a Newspaper He’ll Never Read

Sandy Shores | Editor in Chief | Sutherland Shire Gazette

25 August 2025

Local resident Brendan has declared he will not stand idly by while the Sutherland Shire Leader continues its descent into “a weekly soggy insult,” despite the fact he’s never once read it.

“It’s not like I read local newspapers or any printed news for that matter,” Brendan confirmed, holding up a soggy, dog-poo-adjacent bundle that landed on his driveway sometime before dawn. “But I wanted to check if my letter to the editor about kids on e-bikes made it in.

“This isn’t about journalism,” Brendan explained, plucking a waterlogged copy from the gutter. “It’s about heritage.

“My parents read the Leader twice a week, religiously. I grew up watching my dad spread it across the dining table like scripture. I just assumed, when I bought a house, the right to have it lobbed onto my Sir Walter buffalo lawn would be part of the deal.”

In reality, Brendan receives what he describes as “an embarrassing plastic-wrapped sponge” hurled vaguely toward his driveway.

Neighbour Amanda says she’s witnessed Brendan savour the sight of a dry edition once, only to watch him ceremoniously stuff it into his fire-pit. “He didn’t even flick through it,” she said. “It was like watching someone torch an endangered species for kindling.”

Brendan insists this isn’t nostalgia, but civic duty. “It’s the territorial right of every Shire homeowner to drag an unread Leader from the grass and bin it immediately. It’s tradition. It’s masculinity, in printed form.”

Local historians agree, with whispers that the Leader could soon be heritage-listed under Shire law - not for its content, but for its ceremonial role. Much like the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace, the weekly sight of men hovering at the window, waiting to not-read their Leader, is considered a ritual of “significant cultural importance.”

Asked if he’d switch to the digital edition, Brendan looked offended. “What am I supposed to do, drag my iPad out of the recycling bin once a week?”

For now, Brendan will continue standing watch, determined to defend his birthright.

“I might not read it,” he said, “but I’ll be damned if I let them take away my right to ignore it.”