EXCLUSIVE: Bundeena Named Sydney’s Most Tightly Held Suburb - Experts Predict This Article Alone Will Make It Annoyingly Attractive.

Sandy Shores | Editor-in-Chief | The Sutherland Shire Gazette

BUNDEENA - Bundeena’s recent coronation as Sydney’s most tightly held suburb has triggered what locals describe as a “predictable but exhausting” reaction from the Eastern Suburbs: sudden emotional attachment to a place they learned existed roughly nine minutes ago.

The ranking, based on Cotality data published by Domain, was intended to explain why no one leaves Bundeena. Instead, it has been interpreted east of the Bridge as a challenge.

“Tightly held is just another way of saying ‘undervalued lifestyle asset,’” said one visitor from Paddington, adjusting linen pants while asking how often the ferry is “vibes-based.”

Within hours of the article’s release, Bundeena was being referred to online as exclusive, intentional, and the last real Sydney. Multiple Eastern Suburbs residents have reportedly announced plans to “buy here one day,” despite no properties being for sale and no realistic intention of learning the ferry timetable.

Locals say the irony is painful.

 “The reason it’s tightly held is because people don’t leave,” said one resident. “Which somehow made other people want to come.”

Economists warn the suburb may now become even harder to access. “Publicly labelling an area ‘tightly held’ doesn’t encourage movement - it hardens it,” said housing analyst Dr Evan Morris. “Existing owners are far more likely to double down, sit tighter, and quietly congratulate themselves for never selling.”

Meanwhile, rumours persist that the Audley Weir closes more frequently whenever it senses someone trying to leave, while the Bundeena ferry continues to operate on what locals call “interpretive scheduling.”

Despite the hype, Bundeena remains unchanged - beautiful, calm, and quietly amused.

As one local put it: “They’re welcome to admire it. From a respectful distance.”