Shire Man Crosses Georges River, Orders Long Black Coffee, Accidentally Unlocks Alternate Universe

Chris T Tide | Foreign Correspondent | Sutherland Shire Gazette

20 September 2025

ACROSS THE DITCH -  A Sutherland Shire local is still recovering from cultural shock earlier today after venturing north of the bridge and ordering his standard long black, only to be met with the life-altering question: “Do you want milk with that?”

“I thought I’d spoken clearly,” the shaken man told The Sutherland Shire Gazette. “If I wanted milk, I’d have said flat white. Or, heaven forbid, latte. That’s the entire point of the word black. It’s not a riddle.”

Witnesses say the tense standoff lasted several minutes as cafe staff debated whether he meant ‘black with milk,’ ‘black with no milk,’ or some mysterious third option. Eventually, a cup of coffee arrived - flanked by a thimble-sized shot of bubbly soda water on the side.

“Why the sparkling chaser?” the man asked. “I ordered caffeine, not a degustation. I’m not here to cleanse my palate between sips. It’s not a wine tour.”

Locals back in Cronulla were quick to condemn the incident. “We keep it simple,” said neighbour Mandy. “Long black means no milk. The only side you’re getting is a half-stale biscotti from 2017.”

Sociologists suggest the man’s ordeal highlights the growing cultural divide between Shire cafés, where coffee is fuel, and inner-city establishments, where it’s a performance piece.

As for the victim, he vows never to leave the Shire again without packing emergency supplies: a thermos, three almost-expired Westfield gift cards, and his Aldi trolley key.

“Lesson learned,” he said. “Outside the Shire, even coffee comes with identity politics.”