Study Confirms Woman Who Hyped Bottomless Brunch Most Likely To Tap Out By 1:12pm

Sienna Rivers | Lifestyle & Trends Columist | Sutherland Shire Gazette

27 July 2025

New research out of Gymea TAFE’s Institute for Social Patterns and Prosecco Consumption has confirmed a long-held suspicion: the person most vocal in the group chat about “getting absolutely lit” at bottomless brunch is statistically the first to disappear into an Uber while muttering something about a “migraine.”

The study, conducted over six weekends at various rooftop venues across the Shire, observed over 70 brunch groups. Lead researcher Dr. Natalie Aperol said the findings were conclusive.

“Pre-brunch enthusiasm - measured by use of fire emojis, mentions of ‘mimosas for breakfast’, and threats to wear sequins - directly correlated with early departures and unscheduled cries in toilet cubicles.”

Case in point: Sarah*, 34, who allegedly rallied her group with “We are drinking until they throw us out” energy, was seen quietly ordering a peppermint tea at 12:48pm and requesting a ride home “before the crowd hits Westfield.” (*Name changed to protect her group chat status.)

The research also revealed a secondary trend: the brunch quiet-achiever - usually someone named Emma or Loz - drinks steadily, eats nothing, and is last seen dancing to Pitbull at 5:40pm in the public bar of Northies.

Experts warn the social pressure to “go hard at midday” is unsustainable. “It’s not brunch anymore,” said Dr. Aperol. “It’s competitive day-drinking dressed up as an empowering feminine rite of passage.”

Further studies are underway into the brunch recovery phase, known informally as The Monday of Regret.