Local Dad Accidentally Becomes Performance Artist After Trying to Impress Private School Parents with Bubble Wrap Bonanza

Imogen Fairchild | Arts & Culture Editor | Sutherland Shire Gazette

20 June 2025

WOOLLOOWARE — A local man is facing unexpected fame (and a minor sprained ankle) after his attempt to blend in with Sydney’s elite school parents spiralled into a full-scale bubble wrap incident.

Ryan Morton, 44, a self-described “normal bloke from the Shire with a mortgage and a Weber Q,”

attended his son’s Year 3 Art Showcase at a prestigious Eastern Suburbs private school. Surrounded by blazers, pearls, and people named Hugo, Ryan panicked and bought an abstract sculpture titled Existential Squid No. 7 for $1,300.

“I just wanted to look like I understood the assignment,” said Ryan. “Everyone else was nodding thoughtfully and saying things like ‘post-capitalist tension.’ I thought if I bought something and used words like ‘curation,’ I’d blend in.”

The sculpture came wrapped in what Ryan described as “an obscene amount of artisanal bubble wrap.” Not wanting to waste it, he brought it back to his Cronulla duplex and - after two beers and a dare from his neighbour - crafted an entire bubble wrap suit and wore it to Bunnings.

Witnesses say Ryan bounced slightly as he walked through the paint aisle, then tried to order a sausage sandwich by miming through the plastic.

“He looked like a Michelin Man who’d lost his job and was doing street theatre,” said one shaken onlooker.

Since then, Ryan’s alter ego, “The Wrapped One,” has become a local icon. Children wave to him, tradies honk in support, and one woman asked if he did birthday parties.

Sources confirm Hazelhurst Art Gallery is in early talks to feature Ryan in an upcoming exhibit exploring “domestic performance art and late-stage suburbia.”

Meanwhile, Ryan still hasn’t figured out how to hang the sculpture. “It’s got three prongs, no hooks, and a mysterious smell,” he said. “But apparently that’s the point.”

The Eastern Suburbs private school parents have yet to respond, but one was overheard saying, “Well at least he’s not boring.”