"I Am The Lap Now" - Trevor the Dachshund Breaks Silence on Love, Power and Ottoman Politics

Blake Curren | Investigative Journalist | Sutherland Shire Gazette

8 July 2025

CRONULLA - In a world exclusive, The Sutherland Shire Gazette sat down - on the floor, obviously - with Trevor, the dachshund whose iron-pawed grip over Jess Palmer’s love life continues to inspire equal parts awe and fear.

Clad in a faux-leather harness and reclined diagonally across Jess’s lap like a moody prince, Trevor made his views clear. “Let’s be honest,” he began, while licking his own foot.

“I was here first. I’ve done the emotional labour. I’ve barked at delivery men, comforted her during her oat milk phase, and kept that one situationship from 2021 off the property.”

Trevor's current policy? Total couch dominance. No male is permitted on shared seating unless they come bearing pancetta and a willingness to undergo emotional vetting. “The ottoman is symbolic,” he said coldly. “You may observe the lap, but you may not access it. Not unless your chakras align and you know how to operate a French press without making noise.”

Insiders say the situation escalated after Jess briefly dated a local Pilates instructor who wore activewear “too confidently.” Trevor responded by dragging one of his socks into the toilet and refusing to make eye contact.

Asked whether he feared Jess might one day choose companionship of the two-legged kind, Trevor yawned. “She can try,” he said, sniffing a cushion. “But they’ll leave. They always do. Because I stay.”

Jess, for her part, seems resigned. “It’s just easier this way,” she shrugged. “If I date someone, they’ll have to be cool with sitting on the ottoman. Or on the porch. Possibly in their car.”

Trevor is currently finalising his memoir, No Lap for You: One Dog’s Struggle for Space, Snacks, and Soft Power, expected to launch this Christmas at Berkelouw. Pre-orders come with a branded emotional support cushion.